Online Dating and “Package” Pictures

My friends and I have been chatting a lot recently about online dating; the horror stories, some good stories and one specific phenomenon that has become almost common place.  The interesting “Hallmark Card” of pleasantries that comes in the form of what we so lovingly refer to as Dick Pics, or more specifically, pictures of the manly Package.  Needless to say, a sense of humor is a must when attempting to navigate the online dating world, even in the over-50 age range.

While internet exposure and the over-sexualization of our culture has been ramping up over the past 15 years, the conversation we have been exploring is the emasculation of men, especially those in the 40-60 age range.  For younger generations born into the technology age, sending pictures on their phones is the norm.  A friend of mine recently asked a group of 13 year old girls if they’d ever received or sent suggestive pictures and they all said yes.  When my son was in high school ten years ago, I remember the headline of the school newsletter was about the problem with “up shots,” boys taking pictures up girls’ skirts.  But for older men, it just seems a bit out of place. Stop the madness!  As we older women know, most men over 50 are not what we’d call “buff.”  As a matter of fact, we usually refer to them as “fluff.”

Yet imagine this age-range of men, whose reality as young boys was still most likely to be the father going off to work and the mother relishing her role as homemaker.  Good or bad as it might seem to younger generations these were the defined and common roles for those of us born in this era.

Then came the 70s where Women’s Lib took women out of the home and into the workforce and also began the spiral of marriage as we knew it and exponential increase in the divorce rate as well as the term “latch key kid.”

Looking back, I recall the discomfort I felt when my mom went to work when I was quite young, having been spoiled by her presence at home after school but then having to fend for myself and find a way to get to my sports and activities, as did my siblings.  Her need to work was not necessarily because she was career-oriented; it was just the opposite.  The necessity for her to work was due to the economic recession in the late 70s and the need to feed four teenagers.  I do not believe my father was a fan of this either and I watched my mother struggle to keep both of her roles, as a homemaker and an employee, afloat.  Again, men were not a huge part of the homemaking role back then.  Doing dishes or laundry was a woman’s job in most cases as was cleaning the house.  The struggle was real.

But when we look at men from this era who were boys at this time, their role model was their father who was most assuredly the breadwinner and the head of the household.  These defined roles provided some security for the children and the parents in that it was clear to them who did what, but when this dynamic started to change, and women began to really stand up for their rights and the abilities to create careers, and some, like my mother were forced to contribute monetarily due to the economy, the boys were faced with a change in the leadership role they had known.  And for many men, this was and is a huge ego-diminisher.

I do recall my mother at one time saying, “That damn Gloria Steinem, you CANNOT have it all and whoever believes it is crazy.”  What she was saying is that, unless you had the resources to hire other help in the house, a woman who had four children, as was her case, could not afford to work and maintain the quality of her household in the same manner; something was neglected because she could only spread herself so thin.  Remember also, that men up until not too long ago were not even allowed in the delivery rooms at hospitals.  My mom is amazed when she sees men out with their babies in baby carriages.  Although both of my brothers are phenomenal fathers and were totally immersed in contributing when their kids were young, she reminds me that this was never the case back in her day. The burden of being a “housewife” and “career woman” just did not work.  Even today, if you look at modern day couples, the stress of the dynamic of them both working puts a huge toll on the kids.  What we’ve now done is to create a culture of overdoing – meaning that the kids are so over-scheduled, with piles of homework and activities, that they have zero time to decelerate and zero quiet time to be kids.  The parents are hell bent on filling every waking second of their kids’ lives to make up for the lack of time they have in the normal quiet of the day. Helicopter parents and overbearing dads who punch out referees at soccer games are now the norm.

But let’s get back to the 40-60 year old men.  What my friends and I notice is that these men no longer have a defined role.  Sure, they can even be a stay home dad now and watch the wife go off to work, but the role that they knew and were raised with is gone.  Young men these days will never understand this concept.  And within the online dating world many of these men have morphed into creeps.  I have seen more than my share of married men, “separated” men and at one point, joked with my friends that I had a “Penis Gallery.”  Within a few texts after a few days of chatting on the site, and then finally giving them my phone number, I received time after time, with NO solicitation, a full glossy picture via text of their Package.  This was a few years ago, yet when I recently went back online to try again (because I am an optimist), the first man I met , spoke to (a 57 year old) and had several dates with found it necessary after the few days, and again with NO solicitation, to send numerous pictures of his penis.  I refer to him as Dick to my friends when I relate this story, just for giggles.  In shock again,  I basically told him to stop and that the pictures, to me, were similar to him taking a big piece of chocolate cake and shoving it into my mouth and down my throat and then trying to convince me it was really, really sweet and delicious.  He did not like that response.  Enough already!  Let me be seduced, not repulsed.  His response was that he was “embarrassed” and that I should have told him not to send them in the first place.  Really?  I have to make that a prerequisite in conversation that, oh by the way, do NOT send me dick pics until I give the ok?  It’s quite amazing these days.  In the end, he told me that his embarrassment was my fault and that he was “stepping away.”  I never heard from him again, but do wonder how many other women have his junk on their phone.  Delete, delete and carry on!

And why does this happen?  What is the reason these older men feel the need to send these graphic pics?  Granted, women are no better, but in their minds I believe it is a liberation issue, not an attempt to regain a role.  Womens’ newfound power mode allows them to dress the way they want and find disdain in any man who leers at them, while at the same time demanding respect no matter how they behave.  Women are now relishing the same sexual power as men have had – look at the onslaught of cases in the news of women coming forward with accusations of sexual harassment.  For these guys, their jig is up.  With men, it seems to me that with the increase in womens’ power in the workplace and their independence and lack of need for a man to support them or even have kids at this point, is their attempt to maintain some semblance of manhood that comes in the form of these pictures.  It’s as if they are saying, “Look at me, I am still a man, and I can prove it.  I have this one thing that is attached me ME that proves I am still a man and can provide you THIS, for it is all I have left to offer!”  Their power has diminished, the defined roles have been erased and these 40-60 year old men are grasping for their lives and a valid self concept.  While I feel for them, as a woman who would have rather stayed home with my son instead of working full time and providing as the breadwinner, I did it.  Divorce ensued, but life goes on.  We women tend to bend but not break; we are able to multi-task and mend.  Men it seems, not so much.  As a friend of mine says, “I don’t think older men have any idea what their role is anymore.  They have no defined role in the world and most of them are just mad, resentful and confused.  They have very little that makes them feel manly anymore.”

Whatever the case, I’ve removed myself from the online dating scene and am working on comedy book regarding my stories and the stories of hundreds of other women.  Chapter titles include, for example, “Sweaty Jimmy,” “I Miss You Bob,” and “Golf Stalker.”  It is mind-boggling what transpires these days on the dating scene. Both men and women are desperate to connect but are using a hook-up nation mentality to do it.  How sad that we’ve come to a point where nothing is sacred, not even the art of romance or getting to know someone; just swipe and go.  Granted there are great love stories out there and I know several people who’ve met online and married, but it just seems like our society has become so disconnected and shallow.  I’ll wait it out though because he’s got to be out there somewhere.  Here’s also praying that his name is not actually Dick. Hopefully he’ll allow me to use my imagination a bit and seduce my mind first before he attempts to plaster his fabulous profile Package on my phone.  In the meantime, I’ll just giggle at the stories I’m able to share.  These unbelievable tales certainly entertain my friends and for that I’m happy to provide a good laugh. Life is riDICulous sometimes, but it’s what makes the hard times bearable and the search for love such an interesting adventure!  Carry on!