Peel the Onion

Life is an interesting series of events.  Period.  We can never truly predict what will happen and no matter how much experience we have in dealing with crazy, there will be situations that expose the truth we always knew existed.

Case in point: When my father passed away in June, I had resolved my issues with him and had not one negative thought in my mind while trying to assist him as the cancer slowly killed him.  My goal was to be a compassionate human being and to help him to not be afraid.

My parents were married for 50 years and then divorced, shocking us all.  It had been 10 years since they called it quits but there has always been an underlying resentment my mother carries with her.  Granted, she has always been taken care of by him and is to this day based on her pension benefits and social security income, but the negative opinion she holds for him remains quite astounding. She has zero capacity to forgive as was evident in the fact that she moved away from her parents without telling them when we were young and did not see them for the next 30 years prior to them both passing away.

When she first found out my dad had cancer, a growth began to indicate on her arm.  She thought it was a bug bite but it turned out weeks later to be cancerous.  It was removed but her health began to decline in odd ways after his death.  Within one month of his death her gait became troubled, her balance off and her mental confusion very apparent.  By the end of August, she was in the hospital having suffered a minor stroke.

What transpired over the next month was exhausting, both emotionally and physically as we moved her out of her apartment into rehab, respite and finally assisted living.  But the most amazing part of this all was her attitude toward me and the negative, resentful words that spewed from her mouth over the course of the days and weeks I was assisting in her move.

I do take into consideration her mental state, which is back to baseline normal, but have also become acutely aware of what I’ve always known: that my mother has no concept of who I am, what I’ve accomplished or what I am able to do.  She insulted me at every turn, expressed her frustration at not being the same kind of person that I am, told me she could not wait until I went out of town and very clearly told me that I was driving her nuts.

These comments in a nutshell are my life with my mother.  I truly believe she has never really appreciated me for who I am because she “does not get” me.  To clarify, she is intimidated by my ability to carry on independently, which she has never done.  Granted, I am this way because I did not have much support from her and was forced to figure it out, but it is so interesting to see these truths come out in situations that peel the onion, so to speak.

At lunch recently, a friend made an interesting comment after hearing my story since she had just been through this same situation a few years ago with her mother.  She said that she truly believes people go out the way they truly are; meaning that my mother has always been a very negative person and her true personality is beginning to shine.  My father, on the other hand, was calm, peaceful and grateful even though he was in excessive pain.  While we can generalize and blame, stressful situations show us who we are and how others handle the unknown.  I’ve distanced myself from my mother for a while to let her calm down and be in her own space.

We must use self-care and react with clarity when dealing with the onward pace of aging.  Knowing that the layers of truth appear when we are most vulnerable can prepare us for the next crazy event.  Because, as we all know, life tends to test us and the more we stand at the ready with a sense of humor and a sense of ourselves, the better.